it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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