Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
