I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
