She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
