he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My balls are so social today.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
