i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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