saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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