I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
