im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
