Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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