No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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