my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
