I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
