so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
