i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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