OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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