listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
