worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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