yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
