My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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