took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
