Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
