I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
