your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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