sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
