god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
