Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
