I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
