My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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