if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
