I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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