Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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