Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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