good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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