I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
