I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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