the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
