you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
