i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
