And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
