Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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