wat bout pragnant strippers??
pop tarts are not kleenex
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
