I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
