thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
