Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i wish my penis had a tongue
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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