pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
