so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
