I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
