Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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