Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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