At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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