you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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