I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
