My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
