I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
